Wednesday, January 7, 2009

It rained today in New York City

It rained today in New York City and I got to thinking. There are two types of people in this world. People who normal, person sized umbrellas and people who use giant 3 man, life raft sized, "golf" umbrellas. 

(For the purposes of this discussion, I'm going specifically address when these massive umbrellas are being used by an individual not by groups of 2 or more {for a tirade on people walking in groups or clusters, please stay tuned}) 

As I was saying, there are two types of people in this world. People who use umbrellas that are a  reasonable size, and those who hoist a circus tent every time it sprinkles. I'll be honest, I'm one of the former group. I use a small umbrella because I like that it fits in my bag, because I'm not fat, and because I have respect for my fellow man, their sanity, and the ability of my fellow new yorkers to commute around our wonderful city. Oh, and I'm neither scared nor allergic to water.

I would like to, for a moment, examine those who prefer umbrellas of the corpulent variety--henceforth known as Group B. As previously mentioned, the members of Group B can be divided into the following sub-categories; "The Dandy," "Waddlers," and "Republicans."
Allow me to elaborate:

The Dandy- Dandies carry large umbrellas partly to keep them dry and partly because they've seen too many episodes of "The Mod Squad." Sporting cane handled "walking stick" umbrellas, The Dandy is one of your best indicators that the forecast calls for rain as they are quick to twirl, point with, or lean on the umbrellas dutifully at their side. In addition to their massive rain guards taking up too much space on the sidewalk, they're also a neussance on the train, on the stairs, anywhere one might be almost impaled by an umbrella. With full knowlede of the danger they pose to society, these Dandies lurk; waiting to "accidentally" jab someone in the belly button vis-a-vis the Penguin from the Batman series.

Waddlers- The Waddlers are a sub-category barely in need of explanation. As their name suggests, these wide loads are in need of extra wide rain protection. My complaint isn't that people are fat, because I'm not one of those people who will judge you on your obesity. What I will judge you on, however, is how much you inconvenience me, and slowing my commute is a big-fat inconvenience. Dear Waddlers, if you must be out in the rain toting around your drive-thru awning to keep the rain out, please keep to the right and get out of my way.

Republicans- You're probably thinking to yourself "ok, what does he mean by can the way someone votes be tied to their umbrella choice...and why are we still talking about this? Is there a point here?" Well friends, welcome to my point. If you're aren't carrying a massive, oversized umbrella for the sake of fashion, or to cover your great big butt, then you must be carrying one because it keeps you dry. The problem here is that these republicans carry their big umbrellas at the expense of other people dryness. There is only a finite amount of room on the street, and your big umbrella takes up the same space as two of my small umbrellas. So, not only can I not get where I need to go--I'm getting wet doing it. If you're following along, you might make the argument that I could simply get a bigger umbrella myself, and push out the other inconsiderate big-brella carriers but what would that solve? We wouldn't be able to go anywhere given that scenario. No, the freedom to keep yourself dry using an umbrella of your choice must be tempered by a consideration for those who are wet. That's where The Republican goes wrong every time--they think that freedom is the answer to every problem, when freedom can be an incredibly destructive force. The only thing that can restrain the will of man is the love and consideration of his fellows.


theatre211 said...

Solution to the republican--
Umbrella hop. Simply walk under the umbrellas of others and tell them that since they have all the dry-wealth you are hoping some of it will trickle down like they keep telling you it will. Either that or tell them that true freedom is to throw off the tyranny of the oppressive umbrella and when they ask you why YOU have one, tell them that you are spy. If that doesn't work-- use your umbrella to poke a hole in their umbrella and shout "Vive la ressistance!!" and run the fuck away.

Solution to the waddler--
Point and shout "Did they just open a new Popeyes???" in the opposite direction from where you are headed.

parisienish said...

I'll be checking posts under your "Waddling" label regularly...