Tuesday, January 27, 2009

a Revolutionary Idea

I just saw a picture of a Civil War reinactment, and I had the strangest thought...

Since I had relatives in both the Civil and Revolutionary Wars, does that mean that somewhere, in the wilderness of Virginia and at every Fourth of July there are grown men spending their weekends prentending (more like assuming the shape of) my dead great-great-great grandfathers? The thought is both eerie and fascinating...I might like to meet these guys.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Land of Milk and Paper (Originally published 4/8/2006)

Yet another of my previous blog posts, this one is perhaps my favorite. Enjoy!

So, as always, I'm writing from my post in the library. This very snotty woman came in earlier complaining that the NY Times she wanted wasn't on the rack. So I went to the rack, confirming that indeed the paper was not there, and informed the woman I didn't know where it was because, well, not only didn't I give a monkey turd, but in the world of libraries anything not in it's designated place is deemed "lost." I asked her if she was looking for something specific, an article, perhaps and she said that in fact she was not.

I'm not sure if you've ever met anyone like this woman, but she was very condescending. She asked "Do you think that the staff pick it up and read it, and dont put it back where it belongs or lose it?" "Periodicals aren't supposed to leave the library," I replied. "Yeah, but do you think thats what happens?" Her lipstick bothered me, her twitchy body language told me immediately that she was no good. "I really can't say ma'am (women hate it when you call them ma'am) but I would hope no staff member here would ever committ such a grevious offense."

My real beef with this lady is that she is hopelessly out of touch with reality and time. It's 2006, there is virtually no news on the planet that is inaccessable via the internet. Also, what kind of person can't go get their own new york times? they're $1...

Speaking of things that dont last long in new york (newspapers, dollars...) I found out why the Milk in NYC has a more recent expiration date than surrounding areas. Let me give some background for those that dont live in new york. See, on milk containers in the city there's a date of expiration lets say it's April 11, then below that date is another line that says "In NYC April 9." Well shit like that will keep a person up nights, just wondering if there's some sort of NY milk conspiracy.

Turns out that The NYC board of Health is pretty smart. They take into account the potential mishandling of "fluid milk" and have set stricter rules about milk sales. So the deal is that once a grocery store gets the milk, they have 96 hours to sell it (which gives us our shortened expiration date). It seems that the date on the bottle is less of an indicator of when the milk will be bad and more of a guide for how long the milk is saleable by law. Also turns out that milk is usually still good for several days after the expiration date

So it's not that the milk here is any worse than milk anywhere else, it's just that we have higher standards.

A Penny for the Old Guy (Originally Published 11/5/2005)

Another recycled post from my Myspace blog. Enjoy!

Want to know something wierd? I think something died in the elevator. It smells like vomit and soy sauce. Why I thought that particular image was important to record for posterity I dont know...

So today is Guy Fawkes day. That's right, guy fawkes day. Guy Fawkes was one of a group of men who conspired to blow up the houses of Parlaiment durring the opening of Parlaiment by the monarch James I. Fawkes and his conspirators were captured after one of the men tried to warn a fellow papist allie in Parlaiment. The men were hanged, drawn, and quartered after special permission was granted from the king. We derive our modern word "guy" from Guy Fawkes because every year on this day the british burn effigies of guy fawkes (we did it in American until the mid 18th Century). The effigies were commonly refered to as "an old guy" and the word came to be broadly applied to any grotesque male figure and then took the place of other slang (chap, bloke, etc.) coming to mean any male.

Please to remember 
The Fifth of November,
The poor old guy
With a hole in his stocking
A hole in his hat where his hair comse through.
If yoiu haven't got a penny a halfpenny will do,
If you haven't got a halfpenny
God bless you. 

Why did I waste your time with all this? Because I can.

I hate work (originally published 10/29/2005)

This is a post from over three years ago as several of the insuing posts will be. I've closed my Myspace account and decided to re-post the gems from my blog there. Enjoy!

I'm sitting here in the library, wasting my life playing with blog things:

So far I've:
Barely passed the U.S. citizenship test
Gotten a 115 on the IQ test, cause I can't do math
My 1920's name is Hardin Garfield, My pimp name is MC Dogg, My french name is Emmanuel Auger, my sexy brazillian name is Leandro Montenegro
I'm a butterfinger, a meatball pizza, and an eagle. I was a whale in a past life and a russian monk. Apparently I'm 29 years old.
Yeah, I'm bored.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

It rained today in New York City

It rained today in New York City and I got to thinking. There are two types of people in this world. People who normal, person sized umbrellas and people who use giant 3 man, life raft sized, "golf" umbrellas. 

(For the purposes of this discussion, I'm going specifically address when these massive umbrellas are being used by an individual not by groups of 2 or more {for a tirade on people walking in groups or clusters, please stay tuned}) 

As I was saying, there are two types of people in this world. People who use umbrellas that are a  reasonable size, and those who hoist a circus tent every time it sprinkles. I'll be honest, I'm one of the former group. I use a small umbrella because I like that it fits in my bag, because I'm not fat, and because I have respect for my fellow man, their sanity, and the ability of my fellow new yorkers to commute around our wonderful city. Oh, and I'm neither scared nor allergic to water.

I would like to, for a moment, examine those who prefer umbrellas of the corpulent variety--henceforth known as Group B. As previously mentioned, the members of Group B can be divided into the following sub-categories; "The Dandy," "Waddlers," and "Republicans."
Allow me to elaborate:

The Dandy- Dandies carry large umbrellas partly to keep them dry and partly because they've seen too many episodes of "The Mod Squad." Sporting cane handled "walking stick" umbrellas, The Dandy is one of your best indicators that the forecast calls for rain as they are quick to twirl, point with, or lean on the umbrellas dutifully at their side. In addition to their massive rain guards taking up too much space on the sidewalk, they're also a neussance on the train, on the stairs, anywhere one might be almost impaled by an umbrella. With full knowlede of the danger they pose to society, these Dandies lurk; waiting to "accidentally" jab someone in the belly button vis-a-vis the Penguin from the Batman series.

Waddlers- The Waddlers are a sub-category barely in need of explanation. As their name suggests, these wide loads are in need of extra wide rain protection. My complaint isn't that people are fat, because I'm not one of those people who will judge you on your obesity. What I will judge you on, however, is how much you inconvenience me, and slowing my commute is a big-fat inconvenience. Dear Waddlers, if you must be out in the rain toting around your drive-thru awning to keep the rain out, please keep to the right and get out of my way.

Republicans- You're probably thinking to yourself "ok, what does he mean by this...how can the way someone votes be tied to their umbrella choice...and why are we still talking about this? Is there a point here?" Well friends, welcome to my point. If you're aren't carrying a massive, oversized umbrella for the sake of fashion, or to cover your great big butt, then you must be carrying one because it keeps you dry. The problem here is that these republicans carry their big umbrellas at the expense of other people dryness. There is only a finite amount of room on the street, and your big umbrella takes up the same space as two of my small umbrellas. So, not only can I not get where I need to go--I'm getting wet doing it. If you're following along, you might make the argument that I could simply get a bigger umbrella myself, and push out the other inconsiderate big-brella carriers but what would that solve? We wouldn't be able to go anywhere given that scenario. No, the freedom to keep yourself dry using an umbrella of your choice must be tempered by a consideration for those who are wet. That's where The Republican goes wrong every time--they think that freedom is the answer to every problem, when freedom can be an incredibly destructive force. The only thing that can restrain the will of man is the love and consideration of his fellows.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

A great idea....

I think this is just fascinating...

read this article and tell me that this story wouldn't make the most amazing play? Musical even? If I were smarter I'd be writing the aforementioned play and not putting in on here for everyone to peruse, gawk at, and steal! But, alas, I'm a dope. Have at it kids, just remember who to call when you need a designer. I really don't have any interest in writing another play. It'd be like having a really dog that was really old and tired but still the best dog in the world and then getting a puppy. Realizing there are only a handful of people in the world that get what I'm talking about, let me clarify. I was part of a team that wrote a musical called The Silver Lining, and after it's first production it has sat in a drawer. I occasionally open the drawer and look at it, hoping that one day I'll miraculously find it finished or, even more preferable, a residuals check where the manuscript once was. 

(I actually just went over to open the drawer, so that I might accurately report on the status of the script-to-check alchemy...no change yet)

Anyway, read this article and confirm my brilliance...it's not just a sneaking suspicion anymore.